I'm The 1%
On August the 6th, we found out we were going to be adding a 3rd baby to our family. But only a week after I knew something wasn’t right. I started bleeding very heavily, floods of emotions, dread and fear immediately crept into my mind having been through a miscarriage previously. We assumed and believed I had miscarried. Then the grieving process began, the flood of emotions and questions broke loose. A few days later I felt that something wasn’t right, that MAYBE I was still pregnant. We went to the ER, after hours of tests, ultrasounds and labs they could not give me an answer, I was to follow up with my doctor in the next couple of days with more labs. From the time we were at the ER to 3 days later at the office, my HCG levels had risen, my heart jumped and some excitement began to build again! "I had not miscarried!" After another two weeks of ultrasounds and blood tests my HCG levels began to drop, as did my heart. There was no gestational sac and no apparent ectopic pregnancy. They had assumed I was just early and nothing ever developed. We grieved for a second time for the loss of our baby. During this time I heard a lady speaker say “Pray for grace before your storms, that way when your storm comes, God will give you the EXACT amount of grace that you need” I took those words to heart and had already begun praying for my next trial; not knowing I was running straight into one. Almost 6 weeks later and my HCG levels had still not dropped, they decided to do a D&C. The surgery went quickly and smoothly, but about 4 days later I had excruciating pain and cramping. About an hour later and after some strong pain medicine, the pain was gone. Through this very long and emotional process God had given us peace that we couldn’t explain, we thought we were at the end of our storm. One week later after church on a Sunday evening, September 23, I had sudden extreme pain, and cramping. THIS TIME it didn’t let up. We tried to let the pain pass, but THIS TIME I knew something was very wrong. We rushed to the ER all while I was laying on the seat in the back of our van. I was gnawing and chewing on anything I could get my hands and teeth on. It didn’t matter to me who heard my screams and yells, the pain was absolutely unbearable. They got me in a room, gave me pain medicine, did tests and ultrasounds yet again. The results came out. That night I became the 1%. I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and I was internally bleeding. The whole time there was a baby still growing inside of my Fallopian tube, my baby was about 11 weeks and the tube had ruptured. The rest of what happened was a blur through tear filled eyes. My husband and I were so confused and left with a lot of “Why’s?” My mind was screaming so many questions this time. How could they have not have known? Am I going to be able to have kids again? They rushed me into emergency surgery and there they removed the ectopic pregnancy and one of my tubes. We were left in the recovery room to grieve for a 3rd time. Between 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 1-2% percent are ectopic or molar pregnancies. 1% or less are ruptured ectopic pregnancies.
This is something that many families experience at least once. If you experience a loss of some kind, please know that you aren’t alone. Your baby was loved and valuable. You don’t have to bottle your emotions up. There are many of us, and we will mourn with you.
My husband and I rest in knowing that, God is so good! We are so blessed that God in his grace saw fit to entrust our children to us and that we have the amazing, responsibility to love, train and give them back to God. Sometimes that’s before our aching, longing, arms ever hold them here on this earth.
***Update: The amount of you that have reached out to me because of this post is astounding! I love hearing each and every one of your stories! Vulnerability is hard sometimes, but your stories have an impact on someone going through something similar, so share! I know they are a blessing and encouragement to me!