Doing Life Friendships
"A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24
Does the perfect mum friendship exist? Yes! They're in movies, hypotheticals, fictional books... Oh, in real life?Just as much as the perfect Prince Charming exists, so do perfect friendships. As children, and even young adults it's easier to find a best friend and hang out when time and schedules coincide. When we become adults and have jobs, and then children are born, that's when friendships get a little trickier. Okay, a lot trickier.
Often times, friends from childhood move away, and friends from college and uni go their separate ways once graduation is over.
When we enter into parenthood, it's like stepping into a whole new class of cluelessness. A lot of times, we don't even know where to begin. We have endless resources at our fingertips but amongst the piles of information sometimes it's just easier to see parenting done in real time. We try to remember what our parents did when we were growing up. Some of the techniques they used feel outdated or are no longer acceptable to society to use, so we sheepishly look over to check out the other parents to see what they're doing. It's awkward most of the time, because we never know if we're doing everything right.
I knew that I needed to have other mums in my life to have as friends. I knew I needed to get advice, tips, share experiences together, relate with their struggles and worries, have fun together, be encouraged by their experiences and also give back to them by trying to be an encouragement and support, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
In 2018, I started a walking group called Strolling Mums. It was a way for me to meet other mums who lived close to me. I went from knowing no mums my age to meeting over 120 mums and their little ones in 3 yrs. It was an interesting way to meet new people, but I learned more than I could have ever imagined by just being willing to let other mums join in life with me. To start, the group was not too structured, only choosing the sunny days based on the forecast for the week. God blessed and it didn't rain on one meet-up time for the whole first year. With the helpful encouragement of my husband, I stayed consistent to extend regular invitations to any local mums who wanted to join me in just going for a walk to different local parks each week.
I learned something from every new friend I made; something about myself and something from them. It wasn't only a way for me to get out of the house and socialize, but a way to challenge myself and support one another at the same time. Some of these mums became good friends; others were introduced to another mum in the group and they remained good friends as they went about their lives in different directions.
Talking with these amazing women caused me to open my eyes to things I’d never thought about before; and open my heart to things I’d never known before.
I believe we were created to help better one another; not to be isolated and cut off from the rest of the world while we try to raise our homes in perfection.
None of the mums whom I met were perfect; in fact, we all were just as nervous as the other to meet each other for the first time. We all had to venture outside of our comfort zones to take the risk of being rejected for who we are, and how we do life. As hard as it was to get out the door sometimes, it was always rewarding to meet another mum who’s just doing her best with what she can. Among those mums that I’d met, I observed and admired a strength in each of them.
Some were not afraid:
to ask questions
to speak the truth
to teach from experience
to learn from me
to help others
to challenge me
to commit to goals
to be open about life
to be real
to give
to comfort
to strengthen others
to reach out
Or perhaps, they were afraid, but they were determined enough to just do it.
Their confidence challenged me, and it shaped me into the Mum that I am today.
Learn to be a friend to every mum, even those who aren’t in the same stage of life as you. You’ll either be able to say “I’ve been there”, and can help encourage them, or to say, “I’m gonna be in her shoes in a few more years”, and learn from her experiences.
Stop trying to be the perfect mum, because even on our most perfect days, it will never happen.
Invite other mums who are in your life to join you as you do your life, and you might just learn something worthwhile too.
And just an extra bit of encouragement, some of my strangest first time introductions to mums became some of my favorite friendships. Don't give into your discouragement; look to be someone else's encouragement.
When I'm making new friendships my motto is "Just do the best you can and don’t worry about what happens next.”
Some tips that have helped me:
* Don't feel pressured to have it all together.
* Don't try to impress by being someone you're not. That facade will only leave you feeling more empty and more judgmental of other mums who try to join you and are not so perfect.
* Don't exclude others because they are different. Learn from their perspective and find the common ground you both can share.
* Be patient with those who don't share the same opinions.
* Be compassionate to those who are struggling through a different stage of parenthood, even if it doesn't feel relevant to you.
* Listen to people and glean from their experiences whatever they might be.
* Don't ever be jealous. Be thankful and embrace what you do have and where you are in your own life.
* Don't brag.
* Don't hate.
* Be kind.
* Be real.
If they can't accept me for who I am, or the friendship that I offer, then that's okay. They weren't meant to walk the same way I'm going, at least not right now. We will cross similar paths with many in our lives; they're not all going the same way, but it's nice to connect with those who are going in the same direction even if it's only for a short time.
"And of some have compassion, making a difference:" Jude 22
Jesus said "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you," John 13:34